September 27, 2010 § 1 Comment
We have our roles defined for us. Man and woman each know what to do and when to do it to keep the other happy. At the same time we make sure that we keep the other on their toes lest they start to slack and spoil all the fun.
Now you’re probably thinking I’m going to give you a lop-sided and immensely macho opinion on the subject. While I AM THAT (IMMENSELY MACHO!) I am not afraid to occasionally get in touch with my feminine side to better understand the fairer sex (side note : ‘fairer’ here means better looking and not ‘just’ as I had mistakenly assumed for the better part of my post-pubescent macho existence). And for a second here let’s be honest with ourselves. ‘Fairer sex’ is also a bit of a stretch because if you’ve seen Brad Pitt in Fight Club and Snatch then you know that title is up for grabs.
Did I say just that out loud? It must have been me getting in touch with my feminine side. But only fleetingly.
Most of us who are in relationships are sincere enough to try and make it work because, let’s face it, the age old adage of ‘All you need is love’ is fast showing signs of waning. Kinda obvious with divorce at epidemic proportions and single Mums being cooler than the next Apple product. So for those hard working individuals who give a shit about the one they’re with here are a few ready-made answers for you to shout out when you’re asked those ‘impossible to answer honestly without getting in a fist fight’ questions.
For the ladies.
Q : Uh, honey. I was going out with the boys to play some pool. You OK with that?
Honest Answer : At what point in your miserable life did you think it was OK to leave me alone and fuck off with your boys? You think I don’t know what the fuck it is you get up to after a few drinks? You honestly expect me to cry my self to sleep while you’re out doing Tequila shots off the barmaid’s belly button? You think I don’t know about your secret massages at 3AM? Fuck you, you insensitive prick!
Relationship Saving Answer : Of course it is, honey. You don’t have to me ask me that. Make sure you take a cab if you’re drinking. And say ‘Hi’ to Tabs.
Finally, follow this up with a warm smile and a hug.
Now you don’t have to do this every time, mind you. A couple nights a week with the boys means he still thinks he’s in control of his life without realizing you’re in control the other five nights. He doesn’t mind those odds. Honestly. Give him an extra night off if an old friend pops by unexpectedly. If he gets greedy and asks for more tell him to choose between Tabs and yourself. I promise he’ll always choose you.
Q : Do you think we could have a threesome? You know, just to spice things up a little.
Honest Answer : With who? It’s that slut from Finance we met at your office party last year, isn’t it? That whore was all over you. And now you want to bring her into MY bed? Do you think I’m your sex slave who’ll do anything for you? Fuck you, you insensitive prick!
Relationship Saving Answer : Sure, honey. That sounds like a great idea. And once we’re done with that I was thinking of inviting Tabs over for next time. You know, just to spice things up a little.
The thought of his friend doing it with his very significant other will cause all his troops to race back into the dark crevices of his groin, curl up in a fetal position and start sucking their thumbs. The downside of this answer is you can forget about bumping uglies for at least two weeks as he tries to shake off that very vivid image you just planted in his head. The upside is he’ll never ask for a threesome again.
Of course if you already swing that way then there’s no reason for you to be reading this. He’s your slave for life anyway.
Q : Do we HAVE to watch that stupid chick flick with J Lo and that dude who always has his shirt off? Can’t we watch something else?
Honest Answer : For once in my miserable life I want to watch something that I enjoy. Something that makes me feel warm inside. But NO! It’s just too much for you to grant me that simple pleasure. Instead I have to watch some steroid fueled, double digit IQ ape take apart a hapless 3rd World Country using all the pyrotechnics Hollywood can muster. Fuck you, you insensitive prick!
Relationship Saving Answer : Sure, honey. Why don’t you get the popcorn and I’ll get a movie that you like.
Now here’s the trick. There are a million chick flicks out there masquerading as guy movies (my friend emailed me a link the other day) which you can put on. I promise, his puny brain will never know the difference. So while you get your dose of warm and fuzzy he thinks his testosterone is actually rising. Idiot.
Here’s a quick glance at some guy movies which are actually chick flicks :
Slumdog Millionaire, Coyote Ugly, Top Gun (yes, TOP GUN), Pearl Harbour, Jerry Maguire & Cocktail. All movies designed as guy movies but really chick flicks indeed. Enjoy.
Now something for the dudes.
Q : Do I look fat in this dress?
Honest Answer : What the fuck does in this dress mean? You’re either fat or you’re not. And, frankly, if I were you I’d avoid that slice of cheese cake you’ve started having after dinner and definitely take it easy on those vanilla frappuccinos you’ve been busting at Starbucks every morning. And, honestly, stop flattering yourself. No body really gives a fuck whether you’re fat or not. Now stop whining and go make me a sandwich.
Relationship Saving Answer : No.
Q : Do you love me?
Honest Answer : What the fuck do you think? Do you think if I didn’t I would give up my carefree, dating triplets, getting hammered with my friends and not having to answer to anybody bachelor life? Are you really that insecure that you have to hear it from me every waking minute of my God forsaken life with you? You make me sick. Now stop whining and go make me a sandwich.
Relationship Saving Answer : Yes.
Q : Do you think she’s prettier than me?
Honest Answer : Have you seen the ass on that body? Prettier? She’s so fucking hot I want to scoop my heart out with a dull spoon just so that I don’t run over and try and jump her bones. Maybe if you did some of the stuff Cosmo tells you to do we wouldn’t be having this conversation. Go put some cucumbers on your eyes or what ever it is you chicks do to look half decent. Now stop whining and go make me a sandwich.
Relationship Saving Answer : No.
Of course maintaining relationships is not an exact science and there will be times when you’ll have to improvise. For example I’ve learnt that gentle spanking can go a long way. Or that leather need not only be confined to the closet. Anyway, hope that helped. Now off to save orphans in Africa.