EID MUBARAK BITCHES!
August 23, 2011 § 6 Comments
Eid. The revered day after 30 long days of fasting. The celebration of the end of Ramadan. To put it in context it’s like Christmas following Lent. It’s the culmination of an entire month’s worth of abstinence and prayer. However, the biggest thing during Ramadan is almost every Muslim will give up booze. Even the die-hard party freak takes some time to detox in the name of Islam.
A non-Muslim friend once asked me how we, as Muslims, celebrated Eid.
Johnny, my curious friend, this is how it goes down. Every year.
Eid Pre-party: Eid is announced a night before and it’s usually absolutely last minute. This is because 12 guys in Saudi sporting turbans are sitting on top of a tall building arguing over whether that tiny wisp of a white curve in the sky is lunar cheese or not. When they’re done arguing they let the rest of the Mullahs around the region know.
And that’s when we find out.
And that’s precisely when we start hitting our BBMs like no one’s business – letting all our friends know about Eid the following day. Because we like to get a head-start on the religious festivities (and by festivities I mean making a bee-line to the nearest bottle of Scotch). A massive call goes out letting your friends know it’s now kosher to start slamming Tequilas at the bar and gyrating in front of massive speakers spewing house music.
Like a migrating herd of wilderbeast we run across open plains in search of the next watering hole. And we drink. Oh boy, do we drink. We drink like haven’t had a drink in a month (which is kind of true) and we keep drinking into the early hours of the morning. However, we choose to ignore what lies ahead. That’s right. Early morning Eid prayers. But like that famous bunny we keep going and going.
Eid Morning: I don’t care how old you are or if you’re married because the only person who can wake your ass up on Eid morning is your Mom. I don’t give a shit what time you slept or how bad-ass you are, your Mom will make sure you’re out of bed and ready for Eid prayers. Because, if you’re Pakistani and have a Mom like mine (which we all do), then you’re going to be at Eid prayers with your bright-eyed Dad and equally grumpy brothers. Guaranteed.
Now you’re stumbling around the room, all fuzzy in your head, sincerely wishing you had refused that last shot of flaming Sambuca. Because. Believe me. Before that you were fine. Just. Fine.
Your quest to get into your starched Shalwaar Kameez is getting harder by the minute and you keep asking yourself ‘Who the fuck created the goddamn azaarband and why the fuck is the damn knot so tight? How the fuck am I supposed to open this?’
Your phone is ringing incessantly. It’s your Dad waiting downstairs. You decide to skip brushing your teeth and pop an Extra (sugar free, of course) in your mouth hoping that’s enough to keep Senõr Jose Guervo’s fumes at bay. You run down to see your Dad impatiently waiting at the wheel while your brothers look on with suppressed grins.
You arrive at the mosque and in commando style leap out from the running car with your prayer mat. Not that you’re in a hurry to start praying. It’s just that your supreme motive is to be able to get a spot inside the cool mosque or if you’re late (like we always were) then under some shade. Because even if you stay in Siberia you can be sure of one thing; Eid day is going to be hot as hell. That’s just the way it is.
After prayers you head back and, with growing excitement, await the highlight of your entire year.
Eid Lunch: This is the reason why people from other religions convert to Islam. It’s not because Islam is a great religion. It’s not that Islam made them see the light. It’s not because Islam made them at peace with themselves. Islam is all of that, mind you. But it’s not why they chose Islam.
They convert to Islam because on Eid day there will be Biryani. And not just any ordinary Biryani.
But a Biryani that that will go down in legend as the greatest Biryani ever made. It could be chicken or mutton or what ever live stock your Mom decided was going to pay the ultimate sacrifice for your greedy stomach but for some reason Eid Biryani is the greatest thing you will ever eat in your life. And I agree. It’s a damned fine reason to embrace Islam.
You spend the remainder of the afternoon stuffing unholy amounts of Biryani and sweets down your protesting gullet. And when you’re done you decide to have a little more. Because that is the way God intended. Burp.
Eid Nap: The only thing that can stop you from eating is your body starting to shut down from sleep depravation. This is when you drag your starch infused belly across the house and plonk it on your bed. The room is dimly lit and cool. Your eyes are getting heavy and you’re burping Biryani essence. The post Eid-lunch nap is one of the greatest traditions of all.
Eid Guests: As you reluctantly get out of bed for the second time that day you prepare for an evening spent receiving Uncles and Aunties from across town. Uncles and Aunties you see only once a year. You listen to them sheepishly as they chastise you for not keeping in touch. You say sorry and promise to make a better effort this time around. The house is awash with kids of all shapes and sizes running around as bloody kids do. Your Mom and Dad are entertaining all the guests as the help scurry back and forth from the kitchen armed with trays of Roohafza. In the mean time all you’re doing is looking for excuses to step out for a quick smoke with your friends.
Pretty soon the Uncles and Aunties tire out from socializing and start heading out. Everyone’s too full from that awesome late lunch so dinner is out of the question. Your Mom & Dad decide to retire and catch that evenings drama on TV. And you have only one thing on your mind.
Eid Night Party: Your friend calls. What’s the scene? he asks. Images of Grey Goose, B52s, Jack Daniels and desi house music start flashing before your eye. What do you think? I reply. See you in twenty minutes!
Eid Mubarak, guys!