HOW TO KILL YOUR SPOUSE (AND OTHER ANNOYING FRIENDS) WITHOUT GETTING CAUGHT
February 21, 2011 § 13 Comments
How many of you lay awake at night plotting and scheming the brutal murder of the person lying next to you in bed? Do you some times resist the urge to stuff a used sock down their blowhole and smother them with the same pillow you got as a present from your meddlesome mother-in-law?
Or are you prone to suddenly stare intently at the sharp side of your stainless steel kitchen knife as you cut wafer thin slices of mozzarella for your midnight cheese and toast?
The only reason you don’t dare act out your wild fantasies is the deep and lurking fear of getting nabbed by the proverbial long arm of the law. Because, let’s face it, our desire to rid ourselves of that infuriating someone is less than our desire to avoid being penetrated by Bubba’s enormous manhood in the boiler room.
So to repay my debt to society I will share with you my vast knowledge on how to do away with your loved one without the authorities ever being the wiser.
Infecting her with the Ebola virus: The Ebola virus was first discovered in 1976 when it wreaked havoc on a mission hospital run by Flemish nuns in Zaire (now known as The Democratic Republic of Congo). It’s mortality rate is 90% which means only 1 person out of ten may actually survive the infection. Now hoping that your loved one is not part of that 10% here’s what you have to do.
Fly to the Democratic Republic of Congo and locate your self one White-headed Capuchin monkey. If you don’t know what a White-headed Capuchin monkey looks like I suggest you rent out Outbreak and watch it on your laptop aboard the plane.
You might have to catch many White-headed Capuchin monkeys to find one with the Ebola virus so keep a minimum-wage lab technician with you out in the field. His job will be to constantly test the cute critters for your virus. Upon finding your chosen monkey wrap him up in an airtight plastic carrier and bring him back home. You can arrange for customs by simply bribing the airport staff with Vanilla Twinkies.
Upon your return present your sweetheart with the most exotic gift a girl could ever receive. Because believe me! Those White-headed Capuchin monkeys are fucking cute.
Make sure you’re wearing a surgical mask at all times to prevent catching the virus your self. If she asks you just say you have the flu and you don’t want her to get it.
Now that you’ve planted your weapon it’s time for you to beat a hasty retreat out of the country. She’ll be so enamored by your thoughtfulness she won’t even notice your absence.
Make sure you get your passport stamped by immigration to confirm your alibi. The rest is just a pleasant waiting game. While you give your bloated, hairy belly a much needed tan by the pool your sweetheart will be suffering from the following symptoms:
The inability to clot blood. This means she will bleed from everywhere including her ass. The linings of her intestines and tongue will fall off. As she vomits black blood her organs will start to liquify and turn putrid. And as a cherry on top her brain will turn into mush and she will go mad.
Your local health authority will have to take care of cleaning up the mess since this is going to be a Level 1 BIOHAZARD incident and they wouldn’t want you to simply Windex your way to sterility. The cops won’t come near a mile of this case for fear of contracting the disease them selves. And you can come across as the absentee grieving husband who, for some reason, now has a lot of spare time to play golf.
Radiation Poisoning: While not the easiest means to dispose of anybody this method still has a 100% success rate. However, given the glam nature of this approach it requires meticulous preparation.
Your first order of business will be to initiate contact with a former Chechen Warlord or General who is on the run from the Russians. If the last season of 24 is any thing to go by then more often than not they seem to have access to forgotten nuclear stockpiles abandoned by the Russian army at the end of the Cold War.
Use Wikileaks to locate a rogue undercover agent who had infiltrated the Kremlin in the 1980s and have him populate the terrorist grapevine that you’re in the market for some U-235 Weapons Grade Uranium. Since he’s been out of a job since the Cold War ended he’ll happily take on this assignment for a brand new iPod Shuffle.
The plus side is you don’t need a lot of Uranium to see off a woman that weighs 99lbs. This should help you keep your costs down since good quality Uranium can be almost as expensive as onions in India.
Once you are in contact with one genocidal Chechen General you will have to meet him and his buff cohorts at an obligatory Nu Metal club complete with Nine Inch Nails blaring from the loud speakers. Expect to spend your evening in a haze of scantily clad women wearing leather and chains, Finnish vodka shots, impassioned references to the Motherland and grade-A cocaine.
When you have made the transaction insist on getting delivery of your shipment in your home town because, let’s face it, no body wants U-235 Uranium on their shirt.
As soon as you have delivery of said Uranium let her know you’ll be leaving town for a few days. Then while she’s in the bathroom place a folder in her laptop titled ‘DEATH TO AMERICA AND THE ZIONIST PIGS’. In there put as many documents as you can about building portable nuclear warheads, videos of rebels training in a remote forest and a suicide note which claims that her real name is Mariam Zagayev and her sole purpose in life is to avenge the deaths of Muslims around the world at the hands of Western forces.
Leave the Uranium under her bed while you beat a hasty retreat to sun-kissed Sharm-El-Sheikh. Stay tuned to CNN because pretty soon you’ll hear the news of a major terrorist plot foiled by the terrorists’ own stupidity. Analysts will laugh at how the terrorist lady left a jar full of Uranium open and caused her own death. The world will be glad that a major catastrophe was averted.
You, on the other hand, will be the ignorant husband who is shocked at the double identity of his wife. Break down at appropriate moments on TV and the world will condole this tragedy in your life.
Die Hard With A Vengeance: This method, by far, is the easiest and the least suspicious way of ridding yourself of that special someone. All it requires is a subscription to the local movie library, a white sandwich board, one permanent black marker and some Rohypnol.
Invite your victim to join you for an evening of movies and wine (after all who can resist that?). For artistic irony rent out Die Hard: With A Vengeance and settle down to watch Jeremy Irons own Bruce Willis for the better part of the movie. Now in that movie is a scene which you can successfully re-create using your hapless victim as a stand-in for the equally hapless Bruce Willis.
Here’s what you have to do.
During the course of the movie slip your unsuspecting friend a couple of the roofies you managed to get your hands on earlier. As she slowly slips into a comatose condition whip out your advertising sandwich board and scrawl the following words on it using your permanent black marker :
DEATH TO THE BLACK MAN
Then on the other side write this down:
GOD LOVES THE KKK
Load up your, now unconscious, friend in the back of your car. Your aim is to drop her off in a high-crime neighborhood densely populated by African-Americans. Some place like Harlem or South Central Los Angeles should work perfectly. Be careful not to slow down too much as you kick her out of the moving car. After all you don’t want to be a victim of your own plan, now do you?
As you speed off triumphantly yelling Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker! from the window make sure you make a quick stop at the local movie store and pick up the Special Edition Box Set of the Die Hard Trilogy. After all, increasing DVD sales is your only way of saying thanks to Bruce Willis.